The only person who ever reads this is Courtney, and as Courtney is a good friend, I feel completely safe posting this.

I am awful at friendships.

The one thing I wanted ever since I was a little girl was a best friend. I used to pray every night for one. But every time I’ve considered someone to be my best friend, it’s derailed- badly.

Case in point:

Anna: Moved away.

Samantha: didn’t want to be my friend because I wasn’t a tomboy and I cried too much. I remember one time I was upset and crying (again) and Samantha turned to her mother, pointed at me, and said “See? This is why I can’t be friends with her anymore!”

Katie: Used me to get to a boy. When she realized that not only did he not like her, but that we were friends, she turned on me.

Melissa: Moved away. (This time to Singapore.)

Heather: When she had to chose between me or the popular girls, she chose them.

Bethany: We both have strong personalities and we butted heads a lot. There’s a lot that goes into that one, but I don’t feel like getting into it.

So you see, I’m awful at this. But there’s not even a common thread so I can look at it and go “Oh, now I see what I need to fix.” It’s really frustrating. Because now we come down to BFF #7.

In the past year and a half my beloved best friend turned into a stranger that I don’t even like. I’ve spent so much time and energy and emotion trying to keep her in my life, and it all came down to an personal ultimatum: either I tell her that I need out, or I continue my downward spiral.

I chose to tell her.

I told her everything. I held nothing back. I blurted out every painful truth that I had bottled up inside. And I know I hurt her, but do you know what? This was the first time that what I said or what I did made a difference. Because all this time, no matter what happened I don’t think she ever thought she might lose me. And she did. She lost me.

But the awful thing is, I lost her too.

Once again, a relationship I held near and dear to my heart has ended. At least, how I knew it. The friendship we used to have can never come back. We can never go back to the way things used to be. But maybe things will change and growing and maturing will occur and we can build an entirely new friendship. That’s what I still pray for.

But in the meantime…

“And I know, even a few of you smart guys are like, ‘Everyone’s equal, everyone’s opinion is equal; everyone matters.’ No. Everyone is equal, until the point they decide to open up and show the world how stupid and ignorant they actually are.”

She posted that on her Facebook wall. I think it’s in context of me.

I am not stupid. I am not ignorant.

I am tired. I am hurt. I am exhausted.

There is quite a difference.

These are the mistakes I made:

I believed that she was perfect. I believed our friendship was better than anyone else’s, and that no matter what, we would always be perfect best friends without even trying.

I believed nothing would ever change. I believed that the girl that I knew in high school would live forever. When the high school girl changed and morphed, I chose not to believe it.

I believed I could change her back. I believed that if I prayed hard enough and tried hard enough, she would magically transform into my best friend again. But it has slowly dawned on me that I can’t change her. It’s not my decision, it’s hers.

There is only one thing I regret.

And that is that because of this situation, I’ve lost another friend. She won’t speak to me anymore. She’s dropped me from friend lists. There’s no way of knowing for sure if this is the reason, but it’s the only one I’ve got.

This is hard.

I’ve stopped praying for a best friend. Clearly, I’m not meant to have one.

But I won’t stop praying that someday this will all be a dim bad memory and I will have her as a friend again.

I’m going swing dancing with P and a motley crew of other people tonight. P’s picking me up around 7ish. Do I have time to make something to wear?

I don’t know, but I’m definitely going to try!

The question is…what shoes shall I wear?

Can’t…talk…finishing…novel…last…chapter…three…years…of…work…coming…to…an…end…

Sigh.

And sigh again.

I committed a cardinal sin of blogging.

I forgot I had one.

Oh, well. I’ll go do some penance and post something interesting up soon.

Toph Hoodie in Progress!

Originally uploaded by mylittlehuman

This hoodie makes me happy. It’s going to be fricking sweet.

So far I’ve only pinned it, just to see how it’s all going to hang together. I think it’ll do.

Also…please note my rockingly delicious High School Musical pants. I made those too.

Also also…I have seen heaven, and it is called Textiles!

Best…fabric…store…ever!!!

Now I have to go sit in the lobby and keep Fanning safe from evil.

…I caved and bought the Water Tribe Sokka action figure off Ebay. Now he can join the Cluster of Warriors, the Circle of Friendship, and the Collection of Couples!

…

Wait, wait, lemme ’splain.

The Cluster of Warriors, at the moment, consists of my Yoh Asakura and Ren Tao action figures. They’re all manly and *grr*

The Circle of Friendship is a set of six Disney Princess figurines that I typically line up in a circle so they look like they’re holding hands. Then I put the Cluster of Warriors in the center, so they’re surrounded by looooooove and fluffy dresses.

The Collection of Couples are three sets of my favorite animated couples: Eric and Ariel, Belle and the Beast, and Anya and Dimitri.

They go to college with me.

Because I am AWESOME.

THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED SINCE MY LAST POST:

-Got a freaking horrible, terrible cold

-Started rehearsing Kevin the Celt in preparation for our Wales trip: I am now playing the Blackbird AND the Pig

-Took my history exam. I have a C overall.

-Got an A on my theater education project. I’ll have an A or a B overall.

-Took my acting and directing final. Hoping for a B overall.

-Didn’t go to MTAC.

-Discovered there’s a Sokka action figure. Must…procure…immediately!

-Designed my first hoodie for my My Little Human label. I’m going to make it with a matching skirt.

-Went shopping for new clothes to wear while in Wales.

-Was named one of three Stage Managers for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

-Had to retool my novel, but I’m much happier with it now

-Wrote a 36 page Avatar fanfiction that I’m fairly pleased with

So yeah. That’s what’s going on in my life.

I’m going to post up some actual blogs soon. I promise. Really!

Currently watching: Mythbusters

I am so bored.

I don’t why. I mean, really. This been a SUPAH BUSY past two weeks, what with performing Kevin the Celt three times, auditioning for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, harrassing the teacher education department, cleaning my crampy little dorm room, and being supah tired in general.

Oh, well.

Anju progress? *pbthphbpth* (That was the noise of sticking out my tongue and doing that taunting thing). I just got so burned out on white satin that I haven’t sewn at all in the past two weeks. Oh, well. I’ll get my butt in gear and do something.

Meanwhile, I am on a freaking Avatar: The Last Airbender high. Sweet mother is Sokk/Toph the best pairing ever.

And now I’m bored and I don’t feel like blogging.

I’ll be back later.

Currently reading: 21 by Jeremy Iverson

I have a new water bottle. OMGee, it’s amazing!! It’s sturdy, there’s a fliptop, and a spiffy ice cube in the middle. And it can hold hot drinks too. Joy in a bottle, my friend, joy in a bottle. And only $7 at Target!

The final episode of Rock of Love II comes on next week. I really want Ambre to win. She’s smart, funny, gorgeous, and very grounded. Plus she’s only seven years younger than Brett, which is much more sensible than the 20-year-olds who want to shack up with the rocker who’s old enough to be their father. Although he is rockingly attractive…

Juno comes to DVD in a week. Huzzah! Patrick needs to see it.

Do you know what’s awesome? Avatar: the Last Airbender in French. I don’t know what it is, but it’s awesome.

I really should write my education observation paper.

Currently watching: Avatar season 2, episode #3:…can’t remember the episode name, but it’s awesome.

Ugh. This petticoat. This lovely, wonderful, obnoxious petticoat. I never want to see white satin again.

Henyways, I had to gather the five panels (!) and sew them to the waistband. The panels are so thick and heavy that I couldn’t sew them to one waistband, so I sewed 2 to one waistband and 3 to the other, then sewed them together at the top of the band.

Here’s me trying on my massive petticoat. (please forgive the hair)

And here’s a different shot.

It’s going to be even bigger once I put the elastic in. It’ll just be ginourmous!! Hopefully I can do the casing and elastic tonight during night watch, and get started on the jacket-dress too.

Oh, I’m tired.